Time for a laugh - what's funny?

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
knucklehead
Offline
Last seen: 18 hours 33 min ago
Joined: 02/13/2004 - 1:01am
Time for a laugh - what's funny?

We all need a time out to laugh. Let's try to do this without slamming one political party of the other; we do that all too well in the rest of our posts. Here's one that struck me funny today - not meant to start an argument about the Second Amendment:

Decepticons.jpg

KennyRoberts
Offline
Last seen: 15 hours 22 min ago
Joined: 01/18/2005 - 1:01am
taking the joke at face value

taking the joke at face value, I pondered why would a toaster be laughing? Made in China? Smart appliances that never sleep?

Not wishing to be a wet rag and perhaps shifting back to the more conventional, imaging pope francis raising an eyebrow upon hearing laughter from his toaster. Dump a cup of holy water in to exorcise the unruly gadget and soot up the white dress there, wow.

knucklehead
Offline
Last seen: 18 hours 33 min ago
Joined: 02/13/2004 - 1:01am
Hi, Kenny! Good to hear from

Hi, Kenny! Good to hear from you

taxfoe
Offline
Last seen: 9 hours 3 min ago
Joined: 03/22/2000 - 1:01am
GREAT NEWS!

GREAT NEWS!

You heard about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine, right?

He's recovered.

Rebecca
Offline
Last seen: 12 hours 29 min ago
Joined: 05/07/2008 - 3:17pm
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

KennyRoberts
Offline
Last seen: 15 hours 22 min ago
Joined: 01/18/2005 - 1:01am
Rebecca, those were all

Rebecca, those were all pretty darned good. Thanks!

Taxfoe, I hadn't heard that one, I liked it. I appreciate that humor can still be found in simple things that are clean, decent and respectful.

Thomas Carter
Offline
Last seen: 10 hours 39 min ago
Joined: 12/03/2012 - 3:03pm
Here’s one for a Sunday:

Here’s one for a Sunday:

Why don’t churches have WiFi?

They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

knucklehead
Offline
Last seen: 18 hours 33 min ago
Joined: 02/13/2004 - 1:01am
It is funny - a clever play

It is funny - a clever play on words. Our church has free WiFi - it has proved to be an excellent way to spread the truth. Most of us will know the truth somewhere between the next five seconds and the next 50 years!

Ugenetoo
Offline
Last seen: 1 hour 59 min ago
Joined: 08/05/2011 - 12:32pm
Ha.

Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Bongboy makes funny.......

Matt
Offline
Last seen: 46 min 40 sec ago
Joined: 01/21/2008 - 6:21pm
Hey, Udouche, tell

Hey, Udouche, tell knucklehead the one about cops and black people and rap! That was a good one!

Melvin Udall
Online
Last seen: 8 min 30 sec ago
Joined: 05/01/2002 - 12:01am
No, you tell it. It's

No, you tell it. It's always funnier coming from a bona fide racist.

Thomas Carter
Offline
Last seen: 10 hours 39 min ago
Joined: 12/03/2012 - 3:03pm
Goddammit, almost forgot

Goddammit, almost forgot Green-teeth:

Why don't mosques have WiFi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Ugenetoo
Offline
Last seen: 1 hour 59 min ago
Joined: 08/05/2011 - 12:32pm
Ha.

Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Bong boy make funny again.

Ahkmad say: "I keel you!".

BlueJay
Offline
Last seen: 15 hours 43 min ago
Joined: 04/18/2005 - 12:01am
Here's how it all went.......

An old one, but a good one to start the week.

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.........

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office wearing a raincoat . Under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word . He started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...........

"What's for dinner, Zorro"

Ugenetoo
Offline
Last seen: 1 hour 59 min ago
Joined: 08/05/2011 - 12:32pm
That happened to me, except,

That happened to me, except, my wife had a silk rope in her hands and asked me to tie her up and do whatever I wanted.
So, I did.
And went hunting.

Green-ee
Offline
Last seen: 1 hour 17 min ago
Joined: 09/08/2007 - 6:08am
There's a new birth control

There's a new birth control pill for men. A reusable (non digestible) pill the man places in his shoe and makes him limp.

Or.... A doe comes staggering out of the woods - all out of breath, covered with dirt and moss. The doe says........
That's the last time I'll do that for a couple of bucks!

BlueJay
Offline
Last seen: 15 hours 43 min ago
Joined: 04/18/2005 - 12:01am
A farmer named Clyde had a

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Roger Ek
Offline
Last seen: 2 days 13 hours ago
Joined: 11/18/2002 - 1:01am
True story. I was invited to

True story. I was invited to a Makeshift Coffee House. It's a forum whee people get to see points of view they might not otherwise experience.

I attended a forum recently in Portland and the host introduced me as a conservative. A lady said, "Well, do you believe in a woman's right to choose?" I said that I certainly did, A woman should be able to choose a Beretta, Smith and Wesson an HK, a Ruger or whatever she wants to carry. In fact, she can name her daughter Glock if she wants to. The woman had never been exposed to a conservative before. She was gasping for breath. It looked like she was going to faint. Her friends helped her sit down.

KennyRoberts
Offline
Last seen: 15 hours 22 min ago
Joined: 01/18/2005 - 1:01am
I was engaged in a civilian

I was engaged in a civilian hiring board with other town members when an older lady asked the candidate about gun control. He had a balanced outlook on the matter and encouraged everyone to be knowledgeable about firearms and be able to defend themselves if placed in that jeopardy. She replied that she didn't have any firearms but she had never been afraid. A maine state police detective well known in town just dryly looked over to her and said, "you've never been a victim yet". She just pondered his words.

Gee Roger, new slant on that, if a child is named smith & wesson, or heckler and koch, as opposed to just Glock I hope that would not suggest identity confusion...

Blue Jay, Ugentoo the jokes had me a bit nervous, bit of a square, but I loved the punch lines.

Log in to post comments